i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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