A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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