i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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