Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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