If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
