just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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