So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
