I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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