Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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