Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
