i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
