If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
