it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
