She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
