i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
