I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We are all done wearing pants today
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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