i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
