he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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