I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Your cock deserves a montage
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
