Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
your address is 607B right?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.