he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
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I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
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The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says