I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.