Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
