You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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