My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
