Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
