end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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