I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
