Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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