Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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