i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
