I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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