Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
