We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
