i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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