probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
