We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
