So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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