Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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