I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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