Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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