How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Bring me that man meat
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My vagina just clenched in fear
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