why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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