the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
