i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
