everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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