Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
