oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Someone shit on the floor
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
