What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
