Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
