alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
be right there i have to get my cape
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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