Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
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Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
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Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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