I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
