Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
