I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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