Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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