She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
