Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
