Three words: puerto rican gang bang
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
