I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
