I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
